Abroad with the Barrett-Johnsons and a cockroach
(Strictly fiction. Any resemblance to cockroaches living or dead is unintentional)
Ok, so I know that some of you think I take artistic license with my blogging and other of you, knowing only one or two of us, wonder "what could a Barrett family vacation be like?" So to all of you, here's a small snapshot of one part of evening to give you an idea. As your gracious narrator, I shall set the scene.
Scene: Dinner in a beautiful courtyard eating mediocre and expensive food - the very worst possible combination - with the entire family present.
Pippa started dinner tired and grumpy and past her bedtime, so by this point Bet is shoveling food into her mouth knowing she has about a minute and a half before the meltdown begins. She and Chris and lil' P leave soon after she finishes followed quickly by mom and dad, leaving Nate, Lorien and I arguing about something or other. I weary of the argument, tell them I'll meet them back at the hotel and leave. As I walk through the Parque Central I decide to stay a few minutes and write in my journal. The last words I write are "I should get back in before someone starts to worry." Well, too late for that...
As I near the hotel I see mom walking up the sidewalk to meet me. Hmm, that can't be good. Then I see Nate, Dad and Lorien all clustered in the doorway of the hotel. Even worse. Mom starts crying, Lorien's mad at me, Dad says "for the record, I thought you were fine" and Nate says " I already said, 'she has a black belt in Kung Fu. How bad could it get?'" Finally everyone calms down and returns to the courtyard of the hotel, doing their various and sundry things.
We're hanging out laughing and talking but trying to be quiet so the baby can sleep when suddenly the bedroom door opens and Pippa wanders out in her pajamas with her binky and Bet right behind her. Bet says "I give up, she won't go down." Pippa seems tired but determined to be out where the fun is, and who can blame her, so she wanders over to mom who gives her a toy. Bet goes back in the room and comes out with the last bottle of wine. She sets it on the table and says "I'm hitting the bottle..." and pours herself a glass. What a grand idea!
We all have a glass of wine and discuss playing cards. Lorien wants another glass of wine but we're all out so I suggest she go out and get another. She pouts briefly until she considers that it will get her out of the hotel, so she agrees. But now she needs an escort because she doesn't want to go out alone. Nate refuses, saying he's done being the "male companion." She starts on dad, who agrees but then gets distracted by the dinner bill we're trying to split up, so she looks at me and I beg off saying that I'm not suitable escort material, not being male, so that leaves Nate. He sighs, and goes with her.
As they walk out, mom start shuffling cards and then remarks that if we are all playing cards, we probably need another deck. She runs after Nate and Lorien to ask them to also buy cards, and when she comes back she has another deck of cards from the front desk. This makes 2 decks. While she shuffles, Chris cleans out his backpack and finds another deck, bringing the total to 3. Bet finally gets Pippa to sleep and comes out and says "what are we doing?" She wants to start immediately because she doesn't know how long the baby will sleep, but we don't want to get involved in a game knowing that Nate and Lorien will be coming back soon. or will they?
The minutes pass and we're beginning to wonder just how far afield they've gone for this wine. About 20 minutes later they show up, Lorien in front with a paper bag, nate trailing behind looking annoyed. Lorien says "I had to get it! It was my only choice!" Nate rolls his eyes, says "that's my last good deed for the night" and plunks 2 more decks of cards on the table (bringing the total to 5). Turns out that everything closes at 9PM, they had to go around the block to find a place that sold alcohol, the wine was too expensive so they bought beer. A liter of beer. A Liter of Gallo beer (the worst possible kind) and no limes, which is the only thing that makes it palatable. So as we survey this grim situation, dad asks Lorien about the limes and she streaks out the door, headed for where?, while we try to move the gathering upstairs away from the baby's room.
The next 20 minutes go something like this:
I go upstairs, find Nate on the patio assembling candles on the tables. I ask him where everyone else is and he shrugs.
I go downstairs, I meet Bet on the stairs. She asks me where everyone is, I shrug and say I'm looking for them. She decides to go back downstairs and check on the baby.
I go upstairs and tell Nate that Bet is checking on the baby.
I go downstairs and meet mom on the way upstairs. She asks if I've seen dad. I say no but Bet is downstairs and Nate is upstairs.
She goes back downstairs with me to look for dad, we find Chris in the baby's room and Bet coming out, on her way upstairs.
She and I go upstairs, mom goes to find dad.
Nate, Bet and I are upstairs, mom is downstairs, dad is MIA and Lorien is on the hunt for limes.
minutes pass.
I go to the top of the stairs and see dad, he wants to know where mom is. No one's seen Lorien. And now, suddenly Nate is also gone.
Oh good Lord, are you kidding?
Finally Lorien shows up with a damp napkin filled with lime slices (where did she get them? Who knows. She's a magician like that), everyone assembles upstairs, we have a table and candles and beverages and Bet is starting to deal the cards when mom gets a look on her face and touches the tip of her finger to the table. "It's not very clean, is it?" she says.
Everyone picks up their beverage, and their half dealt hand of cards and Nate vanishes. He reappears with a towel and starts to clean the table. Thinking of the one towel ration, mom asks him where he got it and he replys that it's actually half of his personal towel (the other half having been sacrificed to bind up Corazon's leaking radiator or gas cap or oil pan or some such thing). Meanwhile I'm thinking "you had an extra half towel and didn't tell anyone and now it's being used on a table? what a waste..."
So the table is clean, the cards are dealt, the beer is poured and limes have been squeezed but now Lorien and I can't remember how to play the game. We get a brief refresher and half way through Lorien says "ok, ok, I get it, let's just play." Then she proceeds to forget to draw her first card and plays in the wrong order. In fact, she forgets to draw so many times that dad threatens to make her draw double the next time. And then she forgets two times after that AND denies it AND refuses to draw her penalty card! Meanwhile Nate is looking over her shoulder at her cards while she plays and saying things like "Lorien, I can't believe you played that card! What's wrong with you?" and looking at the rest of us and saying "I can't play next to this!"
Finally towards the end of the game Bet gets up to check on the baby, knocks over her glass, bends over to pick it up off the ground, then suddenly shrieks and runs for the patio wall. We're all like, what in God's name?? From the safety of the patio wall she yells "Cockroach!!!" and suddenly Lorien is in mid air and then over by Bet scattering cards all over the ground in her wake. She perches next to Bet and says "OK, that's it. I'm going to bed. I can't play anything with cockroaches around!" Then she and Bet start telling simultaneous long stories about traumatic incidents involving cockroaches on the floor or on their legs, Nate and I are looking at each other in disbelief, mom is clutching her cards and slowly drawing her feet off the ground into her chair and dad is laughing.
Finally dad, whose knees are killing him, hobbles over to kill the cockroach (may he rest in peace), Bet and Lorien refuse to come back to the table so we mock them mercilessly and declare the game forfeit and we all go to bed.
And this, my friends, is a night with the Barrett/Johnsons. Don't you wish you had been there?
As a small coda, many of us had dreams involving cockroaches that night and the only person willing to visit the "Cockroach Patio" after that evening, was Lorien. I guess the desire for a good tan supercedes any crazy insect phobia...
Ok, so I know that some of you think I take artistic license with my blogging and other of you, knowing only one or two of us, wonder "what could a Barrett family vacation be like?" So to all of you, here's a small snapshot of one part of evening to give you an idea. As your gracious narrator, I shall set the scene.
Scene: Dinner in a beautiful courtyard eating mediocre and expensive food - the very worst possible combination - with the entire family present.
Pippa started dinner tired and grumpy and past her bedtime, so by this point Bet is shoveling food into her mouth knowing she has about a minute and a half before the meltdown begins. She and Chris and lil' P leave soon after she finishes followed quickly by mom and dad, leaving Nate, Lorien and I arguing about something or other. I weary of the argument, tell them I'll meet them back at the hotel and leave. As I walk through the Parque Central I decide to stay a few minutes and write in my journal. The last words I write are "I should get back in before someone starts to worry." Well, too late for that...
As I near the hotel I see mom walking up the sidewalk to meet me. Hmm, that can't be good. Then I see Nate, Dad and Lorien all clustered in the doorway of the hotel. Even worse. Mom starts crying, Lorien's mad at me, Dad says "for the record, I thought you were fine" and Nate says " I already said, 'she has a black belt in Kung Fu. How bad could it get?'" Finally everyone calms down and returns to the courtyard of the hotel, doing their various and sundry things.
We're hanging out laughing and talking but trying to be quiet so the baby can sleep when suddenly the bedroom door opens and Pippa wanders out in her pajamas with her binky and Bet right behind her. Bet says "I give up, she won't go down." Pippa seems tired but determined to be out where the fun is, and who can blame her, so she wanders over to mom who gives her a toy. Bet goes back in the room and comes out with the last bottle of wine. She sets it on the table and says "I'm hitting the bottle..." and pours herself a glass. What a grand idea!
We all have a glass of wine and discuss playing cards. Lorien wants another glass of wine but we're all out so I suggest she go out and get another. She pouts briefly until she considers that it will get her out of the hotel, so she agrees. But now she needs an escort because she doesn't want to go out alone. Nate refuses, saying he's done being the "male companion." She starts on dad, who agrees but then gets distracted by the dinner bill we're trying to split up, so she looks at me and I beg off saying that I'm not suitable escort material, not being male, so that leaves Nate. He sighs, and goes with her.
As they walk out, mom start shuffling cards and then remarks that if we are all playing cards, we probably need another deck. She runs after Nate and Lorien to ask them to also buy cards, and when she comes back she has another deck of cards from the front desk. This makes 2 decks. While she shuffles, Chris cleans out his backpack and finds another deck, bringing the total to 3. Bet finally gets Pippa to sleep and comes out and says "what are we doing?" She wants to start immediately because she doesn't know how long the baby will sleep, but we don't want to get involved in a game knowing that Nate and Lorien will be coming back soon. or will they?
The minutes pass and we're beginning to wonder just how far afield they've gone for this wine. About 20 minutes later they show up, Lorien in front with a paper bag, nate trailing behind looking annoyed. Lorien says "I had to get it! It was my only choice!" Nate rolls his eyes, says "that's my last good deed for the night" and plunks 2 more decks of cards on the table (bringing the total to 5). Turns out that everything closes at 9PM, they had to go around the block to find a place that sold alcohol, the wine was too expensive so they bought beer. A liter of beer. A Liter of Gallo beer (the worst possible kind) and no limes, which is the only thing that makes it palatable. So as we survey this grim situation, dad asks Lorien about the limes and she streaks out the door, headed for where?, while we try to move the gathering upstairs away from the baby's room.
The next 20 minutes go something like this:
I go upstairs, find Nate on the patio assembling candles on the tables. I ask him where everyone else is and he shrugs.
I go downstairs, I meet Bet on the stairs. She asks me where everyone is, I shrug and say I'm looking for them. She decides to go back downstairs and check on the baby.
I go upstairs and tell Nate that Bet is checking on the baby.
I go downstairs and meet mom on the way upstairs. She asks if I've seen dad. I say no but Bet is downstairs and Nate is upstairs.
She goes back downstairs with me to look for dad, we find Chris in the baby's room and Bet coming out, on her way upstairs.
She and I go upstairs, mom goes to find dad.
Nate, Bet and I are upstairs, mom is downstairs, dad is MIA and Lorien is on the hunt for limes.
minutes pass.
I go to the top of the stairs and see dad, he wants to know where mom is. No one's seen Lorien. And now, suddenly Nate is also gone.
Oh good Lord, are you kidding?
Finally Lorien shows up with a damp napkin filled with lime slices (where did she get them? Who knows. She's a magician like that), everyone assembles upstairs, we have a table and candles and beverages and Bet is starting to deal the cards when mom gets a look on her face and touches the tip of her finger to the table. "It's not very clean, is it?" she says.
Everyone picks up their beverage, and their half dealt hand of cards and Nate vanishes. He reappears with a towel and starts to clean the table. Thinking of the one towel ration, mom asks him where he got it and he replys that it's actually half of his personal towel (the other half having been sacrificed to bind up Corazon's leaking radiator or gas cap or oil pan or some such thing). Meanwhile I'm thinking "you had an extra half towel and didn't tell anyone and now it's being used on a table? what a waste..."
So the table is clean, the cards are dealt, the beer is poured and limes have been squeezed but now Lorien and I can't remember how to play the game. We get a brief refresher and half way through Lorien says "ok, ok, I get it, let's just play." Then she proceeds to forget to draw her first card and plays in the wrong order. In fact, she forgets to draw so many times that dad threatens to make her draw double the next time. And then she forgets two times after that AND denies it AND refuses to draw her penalty card! Meanwhile Nate is looking over her shoulder at her cards while she plays and saying things like "Lorien, I can't believe you played that card! What's wrong with you?" and looking at the rest of us and saying "I can't play next to this!"
Finally towards the end of the game Bet gets up to check on the baby, knocks over her glass, bends over to pick it up off the ground, then suddenly shrieks and runs for the patio wall. We're all like, what in God's name?? From the safety of the patio wall she yells "Cockroach!!!" and suddenly Lorien is in mid air and then over by Bet scattering cards all over the ground in her wake. She perches next to Bet and says "OK, that's it. I'm going to bed. I can't play anything with cockroaches around!" Then she and Bet start telling simultaneous long stories about traumatic incidents involving cockroaches on the floor or on their legs, Nate and I are looking at each other in disbelief, mom is clutching her cards and slowly drawing her feet off the ground into her chair and dad is laughing.
Finally dad, whose knees are killing him, hobbles over to kill the cockroach (may he rest in peace), Bet and Lorien refuse to come back to the table so we mock them mercilessly and declare the game forfeit and we all go to bed.
And this, my friends, is a night with the Barrett/Johnsons. Don't you wish you had been there?
As a small coda, many of us had dreams involving cockroaches that night and the only person willing to visit the "Cockroach Patio" after that evening, was Lorien. I guess the desire for a good tan supercedes any crazy insect phobia...
posted by KBARRETT at 4:15 PM
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